Llamas with hats
by otakufan375
Summary: The story of Paul and Carl
1. Episode 1

Paul: "CARL! There is a dead human in our house!"

Carl: "OH! HEY! How did he get here?"

Paul "CAARL! What did you do?"

Carl: "ME? Not that I didn't do this"

Paul "Explain what happened Carl!"

Carl "I've never seen him before in my life"

Paul: "Why did you kill this person Carl?"

Carl: "I do not kill people that is that is my least favorite thing to do"

Paul: "Tell me Carl exactly what you were doing before I got home"

Carl: "Alright, well I was upstairs"

Paul: "Ok"

Carl: "I was sitting in my room"

Paul: "Yes"

Carl: "Reading a book"

Paul: "Go on"

Carl: "And well this guy walked in"

Paul: "Ok"

Carl: "So I went up to him"

Paul: "Yes"

Carl: "And I stabbed him 37 times in the chest"

Paul: "CAARL! That kills people"

Carl: "Oh Oh wow!"

Paul: "Carl"

Carl: "I didn't know that"

Paul: "How could you not know that?"

Carl: "Yeah I'm in the wrong here. I suck!"

Paul: "What happened to his hands?"

Carl: "What's that?"

Paul: "His hands, why are they missing"

Carl: "Well I kind of cooked them up and ate them"

Paul: "CAARL"

Carl: Well I was hungry and you know when you crave hands you"

Paul: "Why on earth would do that?"

Carl: "I was hungry for hands give me a break!"

Paul: "CAAARl!"

Carl: "My stomach was making the rumbles"

Paul: "CARL!"

Carl: "That only hands would satisfy"

Paul: "What is wrong with you Carl?"

Carl: "Well I kill people and I eat hands that's two things"


	2. Episode 2

Paul: "Carl! What on earth was all that?"

Carl: I'm not sure what you're referring to"

Paul: "You sunk an entire cruise ship Carl!"

Carl: "Are you sure that was me? I think I would remember something like that"

Paul: "Carl I watched fire harpoon into the captain's face"

Carl: "That sounds dangerous"

Paul: You were head butting children off the side of the ship

Carl: "That must've been horrifying to watch

Paul: And then you started making out with the ice sculptures

Carl: Well thank god that the children weren't on board to see it

Paul: Carl why's the lifeboat all red and sticky?

Carl: I guess you could say it is red and sticky

Paul: Caarl what are we standing in?

Carl: would you believe its strawberry milkshake?

Paul: No I would not believe that

Carl: Melted gumdrops?

Paul: No

Carl: Boat nectar?

Paul: No

Carl: Some of God's tears?

Paul: Tell me the truth Carl!

Carl: Fine! It's the lovely elderly couple from 2-B

Paul: CARL!

Carl: Well they were taking all the crescent rolls

Paul: I can't believe what I'm hearing

Carl: I will not apologize for art

Paul: Where are the other lifeboats?

Carl: Whoa! You won the prize! I didn't even notice that

Paul: Where are the other lifeboats Carl?

Carl: Looking at the trajectory of the moon and the sun probably at the bottom of the ocean, I bit lots of holes in them

Paul: CAARL!

Carl: I have a problem, I have a serious problem

Paul: You are just terrible today!

Carl: Shhhh! Do you hear that? That's the sound of forgiveness

Paul: That's the sound of people drowning Carl

Carl: That is what forgiveness sounds like. Screaming and then silence


	3. Episode 3

Paul: CAAAARL! We're supposed to be on vacation!

Carl: I don't about you but I am having a wonderful time here

Paul: You toppled a South American Government Carl

Carl: The people have spoken Viva La Resistance

Paul: You pushed the resistance leader into a giant fan!

Carl: He was a traitor and a scoundrel!

Paul: He was trying to stop from pushing other people into a giant fan!

A foot kicks from the inside of Carl's stomach

Carl: Whoa! That was a foot! I've appeared to have swallowed an entire person

Paul: That would be the hotel bartender

Carl: Well that explains why my mojito was taking so long

Paul: It was horrifying! Your mouth unhinged like a snake

Carl: Wow! That sounds pretty awesome!

Paul: I can't go anywhere with you Carl!

Carl: That hurt my feelings now we're both in the wrong

Paul: I want to go home! We're leaving!

Carl: In that case I should probably mention that I filled our luggage with orphan meat

Paul: WHAT?!

Carl: Well I'm building a meat dragon and not just any meat will do

Paul: You know what forget it I'm not even shocked anymore

Carl: AHHH! That's no fun!

Paul: This has become the norm for you Carl

Carl: I'll have to try harder next time

Paul: Please don't!

Carl: I feel like I've been issued a challenge

Paul: CARL!

Carl: It's too late now! You

Paul: You?

Carl: I totally don't remember your name

Paul: We've known each other for three years Carl!

Carl: And what an impression you've made

Paul: My name is Paul

Carl: What?

Paul: I said my name is Paul

Carl: Oh, I thought you were a woman

Paul: Why would you think that?

Carl: Mostly the hat, are you sure?

Paul: Of course I'm sure

Carl: Well, if you'll excuse me I've got some pictures to delete from my computer


	4. Episode 4

Paul: CAARL! You've tracked mud all over the carpet!

Carl: Now that right there's a mess

Paul: I just had it cleaned yesterday Carl!

Carl: I'm not responsible for this I've been jamming on the saxophone all morning

Paul: They're clearly your hoof prints Carl

Carl: Then there's an imposter on the loose!

Paul: They lead directly to you!

Carl: Clue number 1 the imposter is a phantom

Paul: Carl stop avoiding –

Nuke goes off that blows up the wall and a giant fire could be seen in the city

Paul: CAAAAAAARRRRRLLLLLLL!

Carl: Happy Birthday!

Paul: its not – please tell me you had nothing to do with this!

Carl: Why don't blow out your candle?

Paul: You've go too far this time Carl!

Carl: What's that it's hard to hear you over the sound of melting city!

Paul: How did you even do this?!

Carl: A dollop of fairy dust

Paul: CARL!

Carl: I ripped the tag off a mattress

Paul: This isn't funny Carl!

Carl: Who's laughing? Clearly not all the people who just exploded

Paul: I'm leaving I've had enough of this!

Carl: But think of all the perfectly roasted faces we get to munch on now

Paul: What?! Why?!

Carl: Because we're friends and friendship is two pals munching on a well-cooked face together

Paul: That isn't friendship Carl that's sick

Carl: Then you're probably not gonna like your birthday decoration

Paul: It's not even my ––Oh my God!

Peeled off faces from humans started floating in their direction

Carl: SURPRISE!

Paul: OH NO! AHHHHH!

Carl: I'm sorry I thought you liked faces obviously there's a miscommunication

Paul: This is awful Carl

Carl: You're right it's not nearly as tasteful as I pictured in my head

Paul: I think I'm gonna throw u– oh god one touched me

Carl: This was clearly the wrong way to go

Paul: You think Carl?!

Carl: What can I say? I expected them to cooked more raw face is just gross

Paul: That isn't the problem Carl! Why would you think that any of this was a good idea?

Carl: Probably because I'm dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence

Paul: Oh

Carl: I don't understand how you keep forgetting that


	5. Episode 5

Paul: CARL! I know you've done something

Carl: Whatever do you mean?

Paul: You've always done something! It's lovely day out, we're having a good time, what have you done?

Carl: You mistake for some kind of scoundrel

Paul: CARL!

Carl: I am a respected member of the community to even insinuate––

Paul: Okay Carl! So what did you do today?

Carl: Well let's see I washed the car

Paul: Uh huh

Carl: I made a donation to the local Girl Scout troop

Paul: Sure

Carl: I returned an overdue movie at Blockbuster

Paul: What else?

Carl: Hmmm I stepped on a lady bug by accident

Paul: And I baked some banana bread for our neighbor Pat. That's it done

Carl: That's it?

Paul: That's all I did today

A space crack appears

Carl: Ohhhhhh

Paul: CARL! What is that?!

Carl: I may have forgotten to mention one of my activities

Paul: CARL!

Carl: I apologize that was wrong

Paul: Explain Carl

Carl: Well from here it looks like a weather balloon

Paul: I'm not in the mood for this this

Carl: I think it's just a lens flare and some dust

Paul: Just tell me Carl!

Carl: Fine! I may have created a crack in space time. Through which to collect millions of baby hands

Paul: Huh

Carl: What do you mean "Huh?"

Paul: I think I was expecting worse

Carl: Worse? But this is totally fucked bro!

Paul: I know but after last time with the nuke and the faces it's just…

Carl: Come on! How did I even do this?

Paul: I don't understand how or why you do anything

Carl: Do you know what it feels like to be Carl right now? It hurts not as much as the babies but it hurts

Paul: Carl?

Carl: What?

Paul: Why are the only hands from white babies?

Carl: Well you know whities got to pay

Paul: Ah

Carl: And the payment is baby hands


	6. Episode 6

Carl: Aren't you going to say it?

Paul: Say what Carl?

Carl: That! My name! All offended and annoyed

Paul: I'm leaving Carl

Carl: What?

Paul: I'm moving out

Carl: It's the meat conveyor isn't it? You never were a fan of modern home design

Paul: It's a lot of things Carl

Carl: Just let me explain, efficiency, industry, never before has this many dead bodies been so manageable

Paul: CARL!

Carl: I'm the Henry Ford of human meat

Paul: I'm already packed, I'm not coming back

Carl: Come on! We haven't even gotten to the big surprise

Paul: I'm sure it's very upsetting

Carl: Well now I don't even want to show you

Paul: Good I don't want to see it

Carl: Man, you are being a huge B hole right now

Paul: I'm not the one shoving people into a meat grinder

Carl: It's not a meat grinder, it's an orphan stomper

Paul: Gross!

Carl: You know what's gross? Your attitude!

Paul: Are you serious?!

Carl: What have I done to deserve all this B hole coming out of your mouth?

Paul: It's everything Carl! It's everything you've done ever!

Carl: Everything? Even that time I helped Mrs. Bixby with her garden?

Paul: You buried her there!

Carl: It's what she would've wanted

Paul: You buried her alive!

Carl: She wasn't keeping up with the weeding as president of the home owner's association I had to take immediate action

Paul: All you do is kill people Carl!

Carl: That's like saying all Mozart does in write songs

Paul: You are completely insane

Carl: Oh weird that's what all these orphans said

Meat dragon appears outside the house

Paul: Is that the surprise?

Carl: No

Paul: That looks like a meat dragon. Did you finish your meat dragon Carl?

Carl: Maybe

Paul: *Sigh* its horrifying Carl

Carl: Thank you


	7. Episode 7

Sheep: (wearing a Paul mask) mmmmrrraaaaahhh!

Carl: who me?

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: what ever could you be referring to?

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: oh the hand chair. I've recently taken up carpentry.

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: oh, how would you feel if I called YOUR work a monstrosity.

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: of course I had to use faces! Anything else would be disrespecting the art!

Sheep: mrah mrah raw mrah rawr raw raaaw!

Carl: it's called modernism, only I've made it more modern by using face parts of city council members!

Sheep: mrrrraaaaah-mrah!

Carl: I disagree with the election results

Sheep: mrah!

Carl: someone had to take a stand! I'm patriot, and a hero!

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: fine! If your going to whine about it, I can see if back on.

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: I hope their bodies are still in the blood canal...

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: yes, I'm the crazy one, but not the people who elected those buffoons!

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mraaaaahh!

Carl: if you paid any attention to our city charter meetings, you would see it wasn't an over reaction.

Sheep: (sits down) mrrraaaah!

Carl: (beats) what are you doing?

Sheep: mraaaah!

Carl: (beat and gets angry) you're sitting...

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: you never sit

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: you're always standing Paul! You're not supposed to sit.

Sheep: (lays down) mrah!

Carl: I find this very upsetting.

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah raw raw raw!

Carl: you don't even care, do you? About MY feelings!

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: will you please stand up, Paul

Sheep: (does a handstand) mraaah?!

Carl: I don't even know who you are anymore...

Sheep: mrah raw mraw mraw!

Carl: no you cannot take off the mask, it has to look right when throw you into the meat canal


	8. Episode 8

Carl: (has Paul mask around his neck) Paul, you home? Ding dong! (Guy accent) Landlord! (Accent of sloppy teenage boy) pizza delivery! (Hero voice) fire department! (Annoying voice) bank manager! You have an appointment!

Paul: what do you want Carl?

Carl: I want to be treated like a friend Paul.

Paul: we're not friends anymore!

Carl: didn't you get my apology piano?

Paul: pianos aren't supposed to bleed and scream!

Carl: I guess it less a piano and more a statement on pianos.

Paul: why don't you go horrify someone else Carl?

Carl: I miss your grumpy face. And the mask I made hasn't worked. It's just not grump enough.

Paul:... You made a mask of my face...?

Carl: yes and speaking of which, you might want to avoid being seen by federal investigators...

Paul: Carl!

Carl: to some you are now known as Nikolai Sponigouph. Leader of the Russian Obion Cardell!

Paul: Go home Carl, I'm calling the police

Carl: bad idea Nikolai! And you know there isn't a prison I can't nibble my way out of.

Paul: I'm dialing.

Carl: oh, come on! I have nowhere to go! I burned my house down once it had enough swans inside! Then I used the rest of my savings buying the swans!

Paul: And whose fault is that?!

Carl: society! Society and the swans!

Paul: (whines) Carl? Please! I gave you every chance I could, I- I just can't do it anymore!

Carl: what if I got you… ten million dollars cash.

Paul: you don't have ten million dollars, Carl!

Carl: I buried a large chest of double-loons once. I could go dig that up.

Paul: no, Carl.

Carl: It was either that or my zoo books. Either way, a lot of something in buried in a hole somewhere.

Paul: I'm putting on music Carl, I can't listen anymore.

Carl: rude...

Paul Mask: I am sorry, flesh-me is so ungrateful Carl.

Carl: And after all we've been through, it's scandalous I must say.

Paul Mask: You do wonderful things and deserve appreciation.

Carl: It's okay… he'll come around. As soon as the swan piano arrives.

Paul: (honking is heard, a crash, and piano keys) CCAAAARRRRRRRLL!

Carl: you're welcome!


	9. Episode 9

Paul Mask: "Carl, I can't believe you!"

Carl: "Uh oh, what have I done this time?"

Paul Mask: "You killed someone and chopped them up and they're right here on the floor, Carl."

Carl: "I didn't do that. Why would you-why would you think I did such a thing?"

Paul Mask: "Carl! All the blood and the pieces! You murderer!"

Carl: "I think I would've remembered, uh, dismembering someone and putting all their bits on the ground right here. That's not the sort of thing I would usually forget about."

Paul Mask: "Carl, I hate you, Carl. I HATE YOU!"

Carl: "Whoa, watch it! Now who's being hurtful? You, Paul, You!"

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "Who said that?"*Mask floats off tree*

Paul Mask: "It was me, Carl."

Carl: "Paul?"

Paul Mask: "Yes, Carl."

Carl: "You came back!"

Paul Mask: "You must finish your work, Carl."

Carl: "My work?"

Paul Mask: "There is so much to do. We mustn't doddle."

Carl: "You said you weren't coming back."

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "Yeah?"

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "I don't know what I'm supposed to say."

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "What?!"Paul Mask: "What are you planning, Carl?"

Carl: "I'm kinda just free-styling these days. Taking things as they come."

Paul Mask: "You're better than that, Carl. You're better."

Carl: "I am, aren't I?"

Paul Mask: "You're Carl."

Carl: "I am Carl!"

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "That's me!"

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "You sure like your yelling."


	10. Episode 10

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "Paul?"

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "I can't see anything."*Mask comes into view giving off a soft red glow*

Paul Mask: "You need to get up, Carl. You're in great danger."

Carl: "Where are we?"

Paul Mask: "I'll find a light, Carl."*Mask floats out of view*

Carl: "Ok...I don't remember how I got here."

Paul Mask: "You need to get out, Carl."*room gets brighter*

Carl: "Oh! It's my gore pit. "*Mask floats back into view*Paul Mask: "You had a terrible fall, Carl."

Carl: "I think my legs are broken."

Paul Mask: "You're in danger. You need to get up."

Carl: "How long have I been down here? It feels like a long time."

Paul Mask: "Your work isn't finished, Carl. You have so much more to do."

Carl: "I don't know if I can move, Paul."

Paul Mask: "You must act quickly. Something is down here with us."

Carl: "That's probably the basilisk. He won't bother us. The stupid thing only eats Chipotle!"

Paul Mask: "It grows closer."

Carl: "Were you always this creepy, Paul?"

Paul Mask: "I'll go find some rope."*Mask floats out of view*

Carl: "And some Neosporin if you see a tube."

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "I know! It's all laughs with Old Carl."*A noise is heard*

Carl: "Paul, was that you? Maybe it's my stomach. Making the rumblies. Hungry for hands! Remember that, Paul?...Paul?"

*Mask floats back into view "Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "No luck with the rope?"

Paul Mask: "I'm sorry, Carl. You'll need to do this yourself."

Carl: "Well, that's a bummer."*Few moments of silence*Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "That's not gonna work. I'm in too bad a mood."

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "Alright... Oh, hey! How did all these bodies get down here?"

Paul Mask: "You killed all these people, Carl!"

Carl: "Collecting piles of human meat is my least favorite thing to do." 3Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "I am a rascal. Just a no good troublemaker. That's me."


	11. Episode 11

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "...I guess I'm done."

Paul Mask: "You must complete your work, Carl."

Carl: "There's nothing left to complete! It's all gone!"

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "I'm done, Paul!"

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "Why are you still yelling at me?!"Paul Mask: "You must complete your work, Carl."

Carl: "All the hands are eaten. All the meat creatures are made, unleashed, and then also eaten."

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "Yes, it was very upsetting."

Paul Mask: "I can't believe you, Carl."*Few moments of silence*

Carl: "Do you remember the blood vortex in Paris?"

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "Yeah... That was my favorite."

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "You know what? I don't even think you're really Paul."

Paul Mask: "Of course I am, Carl."

Carl: "I think you're a liar and a cheat!"

Paul Mask: "You must finish your work, Carl."

Carl: "I'm gonna go find the real Paul!"

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "I don't think he's gonna be very pleased about all the stuff I've done." +Paul Mask: "It's almost time."

Carl: "Remember the orb thing with the nerves? It would shock people and then eat their skin?"

Paul Mask: "Yes, Carl."

Carl: "Paul is going to be really upset to learn that I made that."

Paul Mask: "You're almost done, Carl."

Carl: "When I find the real Paul I bet he's going to be the most mad at you!"

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "Identity theft; that's a felony."

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "Yelling; also a felony."

Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "Paul!"

Paul Mask: "CAAAARRRRRLLLL!"Carl: "PAAAAUUUUULLLL!"


	12. Episode 12

Carl: "Paul!? Paul!?, are you home? +

Paul Mask: "I'm right here, Carl."

Carl: "No, you're not. You're not Paul. You're an imposter." Paul Mask: "Carl!"

Carl: "Stop it!"

Paul Mask: "You must finish your work, Carl."

Carl: "Paul!? Paul!?"Paul Mask: "You're almost done, Carl."

Carl: "I'm coming in, Paul! I'm sorry this violates your restraining order, but it's important!"*Walks into room*

Carl: "Paul!? Paul!?... Oh..."*Shows Paul's skeleton*Carl: "I guess you're gone..." 1*music plays showing the world of destruction, then shows Carl standing on bridge*

Carl: "Carl! Oh hey! Carl! I didn't do that! Carl! Caaarrrll!"

*Jumps off bridge. Shows Carl's hat sinking underwater*


End file.
